Hope Comes to Visit

When Love Stay: Showing Up for your Partner Without Losing Yourself with Tina Hamby S2 EP3

• Danielle Elliott Smith • Season 2 • Episode 3

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Season 2, Episode 3

What does it look like to love someone through addiction—without losing yourself? My dear friend Tina Hamby shares the messy middle of her marriage: the years her husband Adam was drinking, the boundaries that kept her safe, the moment everything changed, and the daily practices that keep their extraordinary family grounded now. We talk faith, community, parenting through guilt, and why “nothing changes if nothing changes.”

Listen for:
 • The difference between fixing and loving
 • Boundaries that protect you (and your relationship)
 • Finding your recovery “thing” ( prayer, movement, community, AA)
 • Talking with kids—and letting hope grow at home

Show notes 


00:00 Cold open: “It’s okay not to be okay…”
 01:20 Meet Tina & why this conversation matters
 03:30 The love story (and the first red flags)
 05:55 “Unpredictable weather”: what living with addiction felt like
 08:40 Trying to lead by example—and why it backfired
 12:10 Triggers, safety, and setting real boundaries
 17:20 The turning point: prayer, “Chainbreaker,” and choosing life
 20:30 Early sobriety at home: money, peace, presence
 24:00 Parenting through guilt; making room for both gratitude and ache
 28:10 What she’d do differently; therapy for the partner
 31:00 “Find your thing”: AA, faith, movement, community (Kava)
 35:15 The boundary that held: love and consequences
40:10 From storm to rainbow: family now
44:10 Tina’s message to partners who want to stay
45:30 Hope, defined

Special Guest: Tina Marie Hamby — IG/FB: @TinaHambyMUA (hair/makeup & wedding officiant)

Thank you for listening to Hope Comes to Visit. If this conversation helps, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review - it helps others find their way to these conversations.

New episodes drop every Monday, so you can begin your week with a little light and a lot of hope.

For more stories, reflections, and ways to connect, visit www.DanielleElliottSmith.com or follow along on Instagram @daniellesmithtv and @HopeComestoVisit



SPEAKER_01:

I did it. I chose somebody that drank a lot. You know? It's part of my my my family past. And luckily I mean, God willing, I I I can't tell you how many times I was in my car. That's where 'cause I didn't want to do it in front of Olivia. Obviously couldn't cry in front of him. So I would just be driving and just sobbing hysterically, just like begging God to help him, begging God to give me strength to just keep going. Because there were times where I'm just like, I give up. I can't do it. I don't I I don't know what else I'm I'm supposed to do. I I I can't do it. And somehow I would muster the strength and keep going.

SPEAKER_03:

Let's take a quick moment to thank the people that support and sponsor the podcast. When life takes an unexpected turn, you deserve someone who will stand beside you. St. Louis attorney Chris Duly offers experienced one-on-one legal defense. Call 314-384-4000 or 314-DUI HELP. Or you can visit Dulilawfirm.com. That's D-U-L-L-E Law Firm.com for a free consultation. Every story has a turning point, a moment when everything shifts. Here on Hope Comes to Visit, we hold space for those moments. The messy middles, the sacred breakthroughs, and the strength and love that carry us forward. I'm Danielle Elliott Smith, and I'm so incredibly grateful that you're here. My guest today is a longtime friend and someone I consider a heart person. If you pay attention to me online, you will have seen her face. And you will have seen her kids' faces. I can give you a very long bio on her. She's a project manager. She is a professional hairstylist and makeup artist. But the role that she considers most important is husband, husband, is wife to her husband Adam and mom to both of her kids, Olivia and Hazel. She is my good friend, Tina Hambey. Tina, I'm so incredibly grateful that you are here. And I, you know, you're not a husband, you're a wife. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you so much for having me. I'm so honored to be here.

SPEAKER_03:

I am so grateful for you, for you spending this time and of course for your friendship. For anyone who does not know, um, one of your other roles, your new roles, is that you um perform as an officiant for weddings. You married James and I.

SPEAKER_01:

I did. I did. And it was such an honor. It was so incredibly beautiful. I just I love being part of someone else's love story. I think that kind of stems from all of this that we'll be talking about today. Just, you know, love being at the forefront and, you know, guiding it, nurturing it, and uh seeing little grow.

SPEAKER_03:

So the reason that I wanted to have you on the podcast, there are so many different directions we could take with your story. But you mentioned love, right? Um, your love story that you have with your husband, Adam, James and my friend Adam. I actually knew Adam before I knew you. I met him in a sober bar. He and I are both sober. And I think I said to you that I felt as though I knew you before I knew you because I knew you were his rock. Anytime another woman would talk to Adam or say, Oh my gosh, your wife is so lucky. The first thing he would say is, No, I'm the lucky one. And I get chilled because one of my favorite things about the two of you is your love. But your relationship has been, I don't want to say hard-earned, but you have worked really hard to get to where you are. On the podcast, we've talked a lot about recovery, but we haven't talked a ton about the people who support those of us in recovery and what it looks like to show up and be the person and stay and be the light that guides us. So this is a big part of what I'd like to do if you're okay with that. Absolutely. Mullen. So let's start with a little bit of your basic love story. How did you and Adam meet?

SPEAKER_01:

So we met through mutual friends. Um, gosh, it feels like a forever ago now. Um, we've been together for 15 years. Um we started out as best friends for a few years. Uh, we were dating other people. We actually went on double dates together. Um, and we stopped dating those people who didn't end up being for us. And we just kept doing what we normally do, and we'd hang out, and it just was something that happened so ornately and so easily. And, you know, one thing led to another, and we started dating. Dating turned into, you know, I I gifted him, you know, his first trip to a beach, first time seeing the ocean, first time on a plane, and that's where he asked me to marry him. So uh the rest is pretty much history.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, uh, I don't know that so much that it's history, but I mean, it's yeah, right. So so they say, I mean, you you part of your story um includes Adam's need to stop drinking. What was that's that's the middle, right? What what was that process like on your side?

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, um so when we first started dating, when we were getting closer and closer to our wedding is when it first started showing itself. Um it really started after we had Olivia, um, and I no longer was his party partner, right? Um, I took life by the horns and was, you know, get my stuff together, and um I started noticing um a lot of instances where no communication, wouldn't come home, he'd be at the bar, he'd be getting angrier. Um and it got harder and harder. We got married. I love him. I know who he is at his soul level, I know the kind of person that he could be, and it just got worse and worse and worse. And I never stopped loving him. I wasn't trying to fix him. I just did everything I possibly could not to lose myself and just had to survive through it. Um, because I knew how strong I was from my life previous. You know, I had been through other things in my life that I really truly felt in my soul I was made to withstand whatever he was throwing at me, be it however hard it was, um, because he deserved a better life than what he had. Um because of all the things that he had been through in his life. Oh go ahead.

SPEAKER_00:

No, please continue.

SPEAKER_01:

I was just I just know all the things that he had been through in his life, and alcohol became that that blanket to him. Um didn't fix it, it just kind of covered it and made it feel comfy for a little bit.

SPEAKER_03:

Well, and I think that's super common for those of us who find ourselves hiding with alcohol, right? It it numbs us to what is going on and prevents us from having to feel the hard stuff, right? And initially, when the two of you were together, you both drank and you were partying together. And then you decided you decided you needed to grow up and move into being a wife and a mother. And in order for him to do that, just like in order for me to to really start to stop relying on alcohol to say, oh my gosh, I just I I need a drink, I can't deal with this, um, would mean that I'd have to start feeling and facing what I was feeling. And it's a really uncomfortable place to be. Absolutely. When you are witnessing that you said you weren't you didn't want to fix him. I feel like that's hindsight almost. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00:

Because you start out with like we're on the other side, we know Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

I mean, you I thought in the beginning, I'm like, I'll just lead by example. I'll just, I won't drink, and you know, I'll do this and maybe he'll follow. And it almost seemed like it pushed him away more. Uh, the more that he thought that I was trying to control the situation, the more that I would try to, you know, check on him, make sure he was okay. I'm like, hey, I haven't heard from you. You know, I know you're at the bar, like, are you driving? Like, the more nagging he thought I was doing, the more angry he would get, and the more he would do it. Um, and I I just I was at a loss. I'm like, I I don't know how to help him. Um so not knowing what kind of person, you know, I would I would come home to at the end of the day, um I would just I would be, I would be patient, I would be as kind as I could be. Um but coming from my background, um, it was really hard for me to not go from zero to 60 when I was worried about him because I had an ex-boyfriend that died in a car accident, drinking and driving. So that trigger for me was I mean, it was always going. So I was always in a fight or flight mode and just scared to death that this person that I love so much, the father of my daughter, um, the same fate might happen to him. But I couldn't force anything. I couldn't force him to change, I couldn't force him to stop drinking, I couldn't force him to come home after work. Um, so I just I got to a point where, you know, I just kind of isolated myself. Um it was really, really lonely, you know, because I was scared. I didn't want, I loved this person so much and I knew, I just knew that if I stuck with it and we got through this and he got better and we did this together, that I didn't want anything that transpired, anything that happened. I didn't want him to be judged on any of that because I knew this sickness, this addiction is not who he was. Like I said, I knew his soul. I I wanted others to know his soul too. I didn't want them to constantly in the back of their heads think, oh, but he did this that one time, you know. Because that's not who he was. It wasn't that wasn't him, that was his sickness, his addiction. Um, all the all the things that made him so angry and so hurt that it happened in his life. It was those things just flowing out of him every time he would drink, you know. Did you know that?

SPEAKER_03:

Did you did you realize because you would have been young, right? I mean, you're still young, 23. You would have been young. So did you recognize? Were you researching? Were you thinking, what can I do to support him? Or were you in that? I mean, you mentioned isolating, were you turning inward and thinking, I just have to, I have to somehow buckle down and get through this? Because I think that we don't a lot of times when we talk about people who are with someone who's struggling, right? Um, you mentioned tried to lead by example. I know Jeff did that with me. Like maybe like he tried to join me and then he tried to not drink because maybe I wouldn't drink, right? Um but I also know there was a lot of misunderstanding because someone who doesn't struggle doesn't understand why they can just not drink and why we can't just do the same. Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, absolutely. Um he still says that to this day. He's like, you know, I'm I'm just it's I'm envious of you that you can have one glass of wine and be done. You're done. You don't even have to finish the whole glass, you can just be done. He's like, that's just not how it is for me. And it's an all or nothing. They when he because he went through this changes program, and I had to go in um since he was coming home to me uh after the program, and you know, they asked me, they were like, Why didn't you leave him? And I was just like, I was kind of like kind of weird. I'm like, that's a weird question. I'm his wife. I'm like, what kind of a wife would I be if I left him when he needed me the most? And now I know there's situations out there that it's safer to leave, you know? Um but I mean, I had people, you know, when I when I first told somebody, a friend, you know, they're like, divorce him, get out of it. I'm like, see, that's not why I married him. That's not why I married him. You know, it's for better or for worse, right? So this was the worst. And um I knew I was strong enough that I'll make it through. Um, and if only we can get through this and come out on the other end of it, we'll have the rest of our lives to heal and be the best versions of ourselves together. And boy, what a family we could have, you know, if we can do that. And here we are, and we're doing it, and you know, we're still healing day by day, but I mean leaps and bounds, we've come.

SPEAKER_00:

Why did you marry him? I know you know what I mean, but you know when you meet somebody and I wanted I really want to deny it.

SPEAKER_01:

Wanted to deny it early on. Like, I'm like, no, no, no, this guy's my friend. But God, we connected on every level, like the dances we would make up to mu you know, to to songs, like just dancing around in the car, you know, the music we like, just when you feel your soul like tied, kind of tethered to this person. Um it just like ma magic happens, you know. I just I love him for the smile he puts on my face every day. I love him for how wonderful of a dad he is to our girls. Um the dad they know now. I'm like, that's the boyfriend that I want my girls to have. You know, like it was scary back then. I'm like, like this is the guy my daughter's gonna, you know. I did it. I chose somebody that drank a lot, you know? It's part of my my my family past. And luckily, I mean, God willing, I I I can't tell you how many times I was in my car. That's where because I didn't want to do it in front of Olivia, obviously couldn't cry in front of him. I would just be driving and just sobbing hysterically, just like begging God to help him, begging God to give me strength to just keep going. Because there were times where I'm just like, I give up, I can't do it. I don't I I don't know what else I'm I'm supposed to do. I I I can't do it, and somehow I would muster up the strength and keep going. And it didn't his sober journey didn't start the way that we had asked it to, but it happened going through that program, it happened the way it was supposed to. Because he even said that, you know. I'm like, I asked him, I'm like, do you think if you didn't do that program if it was in jail, by the way? So six months he had to be there. If you if you didn't have to do that, would do you think you'd be sober? And he's like, I it's like I don't know. He's like, that would have been real, like because he was torn away from us, torn away from everything that he knew and loved, stripped down, and then built back up. He's that's the only way that he was able to really look at it from a whole different perspective, and he never went back day by day, as much as you are comfortable as much as you're comfortable.

SPEAKER_03:

Are you willing to share what was that turning point for him that where he took that left turn and ended up on a path where he is now at 10 years?

SPEAKER_01:

So he says, um, gosh, the things that he saw that because he was still in jail. He was in the pro he was in this changes program, but he was still in jail, which we need to reform that system too. But um, so not only did the program strip him down, but humanely, like he was stripped down. The things that he saw, the things that he had to do to just survive, um were awful, and so he's you know, alone, completely lonely, in his cell, and luckily he had a radio. And I I would send him books and I would send him lyrics to songs that reminded me of him and that I thought would help him, you know, kind of give him strength. And most of them were, you know, faith-based songs, because I'm just like, buddy, to get through this, like you can't rely on me. I'm not there. You know, this is a you thing. Like, you have to want this, you have to, you know, get the strength and move forward. And he was just a day came and he put he was just beside himself and he's like, I don't think I can do it anymore. Like life. And he just got down on his knees and started praying when he heard the song Chainbreaker, and he was just like, he's like, that's it. I'm done. Breaking the chains.

SPEAKER_00:

And he's like, this isn't worth it. It's not worth it. He's like, it can't be worth it.

SPEAKER_01:

And when he came home to us, I mean, he's like, you know, a week goes by. He's like, we have money. I was like, uh-huh. And he's like, oh wow, that's one positive. You know, he's like, oh my God, wait, we didn't fight this week. I'm like, yeah. And he's like, wow, okay. And you know, it's like little things every day, you know, were happening. And he was like, holy cow, like this is what life's supposed to be like. Like this is this is a healthy marriage. This is what it means to like be present with your family, to be there and bond. And he's like, wow. So those little things every day, that's what keeps him who he is. And the relationships he's met along the way. I mean, Kava was his saving grace, you know. Um, because he tried, he really tried going to AA and and doing all those groups, and he'd go here and there, but inevitably he's like, again, he just felt like he was constantly doing something wrong. And he was trying so hard to work and make money for his family and focus on us and live, who was three at the time, who he lost a lot of time with. Um, you know, her first whole three years basically. Um because he wasn't there, you know, and when he was, he wasn't himself. So um I think he did that a lot to himself, though, feeling like he had to catch up on lost time, which he didn't. But we do that. Yeah, but I understand I understood where guilty.

SPEAKER_03:

Yeah. I think that parents, when we have children, there is a there's guilt that is born with our children. And then when you add the additional layer of us feeling as though we have done our children wrong, um, or we have missed out on something, or we have said or done the wrong thing as a result of making poor decisions, we carry extra layers of guilt as a result of that. And sometimes we try to make up, um, not necessarily the right ways, but with overgiving or spoiling or and trying to figure out what that balance looks like is it is a process, right? Um, Adam isn't an incredible father, you know. I mean, it's been such a great joy to witness the two of you as parents. What do you want your girls to know about what it looks like to show up for the people you love?

SPEAKER_01:

So we put not only ourselves, but we put enough amazing individuals around them that do show up. Um, because we do have people in our lives that don't, you know, everybody does. Um but just showing them that even on the drinking aspect, like there's a different way of living. That's why, you know, it's important for us to bring them to Kava to show them like you don't have to drink to have fun. And if you do choose, like, that's fine, just in moderation, you know, you have to consistently be there for people and show up because that's what love is, that's what friendship is, that's what you know, uh going to school. I mean, everything. You just gotta show up, you gotta be intentional, you gotta, you know, um be open. You know, it's okay if you're not doing it 100% doing it right. Nobody's perfect. And I did that a lot when Liv was little, and I still do it now. You know, I listen to the self-help stuff, you know, because I'm like, I've never said I was a perfect individual through all of this, you know. We are constantly learning and growing. And I do that in front of the girls to show them like it's okay if you mess up. But the important part is how are we fixing it? How are we being intentional with our next move? You know, uh it made somebody upset. Okay, why? Let's figure it out. Let's move on, let's grow, let's learn, you know?

SPEAKER_02:

This is a question, you know, I always ask everyone. How do you define hope?

SPEAKER_00:

It's not hope. When you are being tested in every aspect of your life, when things feel the heaviest, when you feel like you're never gonna be able to live again, you know, when you feel like there couldn't possibly be a fix for this, there it couldn't possibly get better. Hope is knowing that there's a way, that there's a possibility.

SPEAKER_01:

When you when you finally set it down, how light your shoulders feel again, you know, when I look at him every day and his smile just it says I'm home, you know? I just seeing the smile on my kids' faces, I'm just like oh my god, like if I didn't have hope and I didn't keep going, Hazel wouldn't be here. You know?

SPEAKER_00:

Um if I didn't have hope none of this would have happened. None of it. Um so having hope is believing in something that you think couldn't happen. Having hope that your story's not done and it can get better.

SPEAKER_02:

If you had someone come to you and say I love someone desperately and they are struggling, and I don't know what to do.

SPEAKER_03:

I don't want to leave, but I don't know how to keep going. What do you say to them? What kept you going?

SPEAKER_01:

What kept me going, and I say it often because like I said, I I I isolated myself. Um you have to find an outlet. You have to protect yourself at all costs, you have to set boundaries, you have to improve your strength um mentally, um, and physically if that's an outlet. But for me, I went all in with my church. Um I went religiously every week. Um I'd go on runs, I'd I'd get myself out, I'd get myself moving. Because all I wanted to do, I was depressed. Like, I'm like, this can't be my life, this can't be it, you know? Um, so I just stayed busy with Olivia. I just focused on myself. It was really hard in the midst of it. Um, but through all of that, I found my strength and I just I realized day in and day out, I just kept going and I kept going. And never got easier. It got hotter, harder in fact, but but I kept doing it and I kept showing up. And lo and behold, like I said, it didn't happen the way we wanted it to, but it happened the way that it needed to.

SPEAKER_00:

And we won't ever look back.

SPEAKER_03:

Looking back on how you supported him, how you showed up, how you tried to understand what he was going through. Is there anything you would do differently now having the benefit of the knowledge surrounding his recovery?

SPEAKER_00:

For example, Jeff didn't know initially that it wasn't a choice.

SPEAKER_03:

Right? Yeah. And there were arguments we had around that, right? Um, and so I I know that in the podcast I recently did with Jeff, one of the things he said was, now I know, like you weren't choosing that. And there was a time when I thought you were, and we thought about it. We thought, like, how can you can you choose, keep choosing to do this? And he said, I, you know, I I wish I encouraged people to do the research to really try to understand what's happening to the person they love.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep. And it also took a lot of therapy for myself, you know, to to realize that that it wasn't me. It was never me. The things that he said, the things that he did, I won't ever forget him. But I can put them in a place and move forward knowing that that wasn't him. That was they, they they phrased it as a little when you have when you have an addiction, you have like a little man that lives inside you. And when you don't feed that little man, he stays little and he's controllable. But as soon as you start feeding him with whatever it is you're addicted to, he grows and grows and grows and takes control of your body.

SPEAKER_00:

Yep.

SPEAKER_01:

And he's the pilot, you aren't any longer. And when I heard that, I was like, wow. Yeah, yeah. Because I know my Adam would never do those things, would never say those things. He loves me endlessly, and I know that. Um, and that was, you know, a tough thing to get through. Um, and I like I said, I did it in therapy because I internalized that for so long and I blamed myself for things, and that wasn't at all the case. Um even to you, you you ask him, he he thinks me up and down, you know. But knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have chased after him so much because that was my trigger, right? But that trigger's on me. That's not on him.

SPEAKER_03:

Um but that makes sense. Having been through the trauma of losing someone in such a traumatic way. Yes. It makes sense that you had no intention of losing him the exact same way of his own volition, right? You're watching.

SPEAKER_01:

Especially having a daughter together. I'm like, no, no, she's not going to be without you. She's gonna know you. She's gonna know the real you, the you that I love, you know. I'm like, she deserves that.

SPEAKER_02:

How magical is it that your girls will never know that version of him?

SPEAKER_01:

Seeing Hazel, especially, you mean I mean, when you have kids, you are a different parent to both of them, anyways, you know, uh especially when you have them at different, completely different points in your life. I'm a different mom to Hazel than I was to Olivia. Um, there are traces of our bad times that Olivia remembers, and I just hope that she was young enough. Year by year, she forgets more and forgets more, especially the more good that comes with him every day that he chooses to stay sober, not only for himself, but for us, you know, consistently choosing us. Um, I think speaks volumes to her. They have such a beautiful relationship now and with both the girls. And I just I thank God that you know I was made the way I was that I went through what I went through. Because if it wasn't for all of that, like I said, none of this would be here. We would not have all of this. I would not have you. I would not have, you know, and just it all happened the way it was supposed to. And now I can be here and hopefully help somebody else, you know, that's struggling, you know, say you love them so much. He just he was robbing himself of the life that he could possibly have. And I could see it, but he couldn't. Um yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03:

And I mean, it's it I think that one of the things that is so beautiful about you guys as a family is your zest for life, the effervescence that exists, and the gratitude that is in your core for getting to have each and every day and each and every experience. I mean, being in Fujikana for the wedding and watching everyone just gobble up each and every moment of family time and experience and friendship and joy. And that comes, I believe, from having had to work through the messy middle, right? Oh, for sure. I know that I appreciate things so much more because of where I've been. I the the sunset that I saw last night, I just like Mother Nature paints in the most exquisite colors. And I know that when I was 19, I'd think, pretty sunset. Life holds a different level of magic for me now, having to feel as though there were times when hope was so tiny. And you and your family are such an exquisite light. Uh it's beautiful to know that you can show people what it looks like to show up for each other and to not give up.

SPEAKER_01:

It's important, man. I mean, I mean, I uh I have talked to many others that, you know, they couldn't stay in the situation. And there are those moments, you know, there are those relationships, and I get it. But if I told him, you know, I said, you know what, buddy, if you're if you're willing to do the work, I will too. Because it's worth it. It's worth it. And he lived day in and day out. Everything he had went to staying sober and focusing on his family. And I was like, there he is, you know, that's that's my guy. Yes, that's the guy. Yep. I see you.

SPEAKER_03:

Yep. Like, there he is. Interesting because one of the things he mentioned was that AA and and all that wasn't for him. And and I feel very, very strongly that anyone who is seeking recovery or a sober path, a clean and sober path of any kind, needs to figure out what their thing is and and why they're on this path. Uh, you mentioned that he, you know, he fell to his knees at one point. And and to me, there is a very, very thin line between I don't want to live and I don't want to live like this. The number of times I was drinking and I said out loud, I can't, I can't, I can't do this anymore, I can't do this anymore. And someone in my orbit thought that it was some level of suicidal ideation. And it it wasn't, but it was just my desperation to stop living this cycle over and over and over again. That I it was a carousel that I didn't know how to get off. And at some point, you have to look in the mirror and say, I don't want to live like this anymore. And I will do anything to not. But in order to not, you have to figure out what it is that will keep you on that path. And for some people, that is AA. And for some people, it's prayer, and for some people, it is calling a best friend, and for some people, it is meditation, and for some people, it is exercise. And all of those are okay. And they're all good. For Adam, it has been our sober community at Kava, right? It has been our people that that feed on each other and and talk to each other. A lot of it for me has been trying to figure out how I can help other people. Um, and that has held true for the last six and a half years, right? Like, how can I keep anytime I thought, dear God, I need a drink, I would pick up the phone and I would text someone and say, Hey, how are you? Just that I wasn't focusing on my desire to self-medicate anymore. And Adam has figured out what his thing is. And that's the key. Because the second you start to say, I'm good, I got this. I've I have found that that's when you're in trouble.

SPEAKER_01:

It's unfortunately, and that's what they told us too. Addiction is an all or nothing. You can be out of it and and be sober for years and think, oh, I could handle a drink, I'd be fine. He knew. He's like, No, no, that's a funny story I'm telling myself. Like, that would be nice, but it's just it'll never be the same. And he's just, I he doesn't want to risk going down that road and and losing everything. Because I did. I I was tough. I created boundaries, what you need to do. I said, buddy, I will do everything in my power to do this with you. And we are partners and we are a team, and we will do this together. But if you go back, I gotta protect myself and our girls. I know that life, and I don't want it. I don't want it for you, I don't want it for me, I don't want it for us. And I'd have to leave. And I'm like, that was tough to say because I would never. Want that in a million years, but I had to hopefully create a boundary that would hold him a little more accountable as well. Just fearing like I get it, like mess up a little bit here and there. He freaked out one day when he accidentally drank real wine at church.

unknown:

Right.

SPEAKER_02:

Took the sip that's not communion.

SPEAKER_01:

That's not the same thing. It's okay. That's not you're all right.

SPEAKER_03:

That's an important part of the conversation, right? Because we've talked a lot about how your love kept you there, but not about the boundaries that you set in order to stay, right? This wasn't about you rolling over and saying, I just love him so much, I can't leave. It was about you actively participating and saying, this is a partnership in order for me to continue in our partnership because I love you. I will not just sit back and watch you and us go back to that life.

SPEAKER_01:

Yep. I I still had to I still had to protect myself. I did not want to lose myself again. As it got worse for him, my boundaries got stronger and I got stronger. And towards the end, you know, I would put my foot down, you know, whenever he um, you know, it was like uh I said coming, coming home, him coming home was like uh unpredicted weather. You never knew what you were gonna get, you know, with um, especially an alcoholic. Um so I just didn't know what each day would entail. And it could be a thunderstorm, it could be a monsoon, or it could be a light rain and we would have a nice night, you know? But just that eventually I'm like, okay, no, I need to set boundaries. So whether that was you talk to me bad once, I leave, me and Livy go do something fun, you know, I take myself physically out of the situation until you cool down or fall asleep, and then I come back, you know, uh, or me finally reaching out to somebody for help, or, you know, it was divine intervention that finally led to, you know, him going into this program. But um none of it happened ideally.

SPEAKER_00:

It was it got a a lot messier, but it's what we all needed. It's what we all needed.

SPEAKER_01:

Um it gave me a strength um that I didn't know I had. I knew I was strong, but you know, having to, you know, get two jobs um and find childcare for live, I'd be working around the clock, you know, just to make sure that we didn't lose everything, you know, on top of that, you know. So having to do this without a lot of support. Uh-huh. Yep. And then, you know, without him, you know, um, I think the way it happened, all of that kind of helped him too. You know, he's like, crap, man, you know, my wife is, you know, stepping up and doing all of this. She's got friends helping her, she's got family helping her, like that should be me. Like, I should be there. I think that was kind of fuel for him to change as well. You know, he needed to find that that fire within himself to keep himself going as well.

SPEAKER_00:

What is the best part of your world right now?

SPEAKER_01:

I know now without a doubt, which is so comforting to me, and I I wish this for everybody, but I know unwaveringly how much he loves me, how much my kids love us, how much we love our kids, how strong our family unit is, and it is everybody sees the bright, the bright rainbow that we portray now, you know, but it's like, oh boy, you weren't there for the storm. Like we treaded some water to get here, but I think we all kind of pride ourselves on that too. Like, and here we stand, you know, here we are. We're stronger than ever. We have each other, and we feel like now, no matter what happens, even if we go through a rough patch, or you know, um, you know, one of us were to lose a job or not have a job for a little bit, so he got laid off. Like, we got it. We got it. No matter what, we can handle it because we've been through it and we know that we'll survive.

SPEAKER_03:

I know that being a mom is part of your heart center, right? One of the most important things you do in the world. Everything. What do you think is the most important lesson that you want your kids to know about all of this?

SPEAKER_00:

That when Liv and Hazel are listening to this, right?

SPEAKER_03:

I know it's so amazing because Liv is Liv is so in awe of you, right? Like she she loves to listen to you. She you are her hero. What do you want her to know? What do you want her and Hazel to know?

SPEAKER_01:

It's okay not to be okay. It's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to want more. It's okay to feel like there's something missing.

SPEAKER_00:

What's not okay is staying there. You have to want a bit more. You have to continue to learn and grow and know that it's up to you. Nothing's going to change if nothing changes, right? And if you want more, then dang it. Go get more. Get after it. Do the work. Life is tough, but we all work hard. And if you work hard, you'll get what you want. You'll get what your soul needs. Which is different.

SPEAKER_03:

Bringing this full circle, I mentioned that you were the officiant at our wedding at the beginning. And I know that this is a a new aspect that you're adding to your business. Where can people find you?

SPEAKER_01:

So all of that is on my hair and makeup page as well. Um, so Tina Marie M-U-A, um, on Facebook and Instagram. Um yeah. Is there anything I didn't ask you about that you'd like to share? No. You're amazing. I love you guys so much. Um really, uh you guys have been a pivotal part of Adam and I growing as a couple, you know. Um we're both introverts, believe it or not. Um, extroverted introverts, you know. Um, and just making his happy place, Kava, a home for us, um has only expanded the work that we continue to do every day, you know, with ourselves, with our family. And um I I constantly am in awe of like this can't possibly get better, you know, but then it does. So um, yeah, I just I I love it. I love I love where we're going, you know, we're not finished yet, but um I just love showing people that it's possible, you know, you just gotta really be intentional and put in the work and then it'll happen.

SPEAKER_03:

You are a light and a treasure and an inspiration as a friend, as a mother, as someone who does good and amazing work, of course, as a wife. Um, I'm so proud to know you. I'm so proud to have you as a friend, and I'm so incredibly grateful that you spent a time with me on the podcast today. Thank you. I love you so much. Thank you so much. I love you so much. And my hope comes to visit friends. I am so truly grateful that you spent time with Tina and I today. Thank you for taking the time. I hope that there was a piece of this that resonated with you, that hit your heart, that's something that you want to share with someone that you think will benefit. Please write a review if it strikes you or turn around and share the podcast. And until we get to spend time together again, please do take very good care of you. Thank you for being here. Naturally, it's important to thank the people who support and sponsor the podcast. This episode is supported by Chris Dulley, a trusted criminal defense attorney and friend of mine here in St. Louis, who believes in second chances and solid representation. Whether you're facing a DWI, felony, or traffic issue, Chris handles your case personally with clarity, compassion, and over 15 years of experience. When things feel uncertain, it helps to have someone steady in your corner. Call 314 384 4000 or 314 DUI Help, or you can visit Delilawfirm.com to schedule your free consultation.