Hope Comes to Visit

Kleptomania, Consequences, And Hope

• Danielle Elliott Smith • Season 1 • Episode 41

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This episode includes honest discussion of addiction and legal consequences.

What does recovery look like when the compulsion won’t let go? In this conversation, I am privileged to sit with Kelli Bauer, who lives with kleptomania—an often-hidden addiction—and has paid steep personal and legal costs. This conversation is brave and vulnerable. We talk about the difference between “shoplifting” and a clinical compulsion, how shame and secrecy keep us sick, what (actually) helps day-to-day, and why, for Kelli, hope looks like refusing to give up—one hour, one errand, one decision at a time.

We cover:

  • Kleptomania vs. “casual shoplifting” (compulsion, not character)
  • Consequences: arrests, career loss, media fallout—and rebuilding anyway
  • Supports that help: meetings, service, meds, accountability
  • Real-life tactics: don’t shop alone, stay in the same aisle, phone-in support
  • Triggers everywhere (stores on every route) and how to plan around them
  • Redefining hope when relapse happens

Resources & Links

If you or someone you love is struggling, please reach out to a licensed professional or a local support line.

Thank you for listening to Hope Comes to Visit. If this conversation helps, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review - it helps others find their way to these conversations.

New episodes drop every Monday, so you can begin your week with a little light and a lot of hope.

For more stories, reflections, and ways to connect, visit www.DanielleElliottSmith.com or follow along on Instagram @daniellesmithtv and @HopeComestoVisit



Kelli Bauer:

I drive home that day and about 10 police cars rush me. They literally slam me against the garage door, um, handcuffed me, ask me, do you know what's going on? And I have no idea.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Hi there, friends. This is Hope Comes to Visit. I'm Danielle Elliott Smith. This is a place for brave stories and soft landings, and I am so glad you are here. My guest today has one heck of a brave story, and I'm really excited for you to meet her. Let's take a quick moment to thank the people that support and sponsor the podcast. When life takes an unexpected turn, you deserve someone who will stand beside you. St. Louis attorney Chris Duly offers experienced one-on-one legal defense. Call 314-384-4000 or 314-DUI help. Or you can visit Dulilawfirm.com. That's D-U-L-L-E Law Firm.com for a free consultation. Kelly Bauer, thank you for joining in and spending time with me and being willing to be vulnerable with our audience. How are you today? I'm good. I'm good. A little nervous, but other than that, I'm good. That is okay. It is okay to be nervous. I always tell my kids, you know, when back when I used to do television a long time ago, people would say, Do you ever get nervous? And I said, if you stop being nervous, then you actually don't care anymore about what it is you're doing. So this means that you care about what's going on and the story you're getting ready to share. So I will say that your story, um, it's one of addiction, but it is an addiction that we don't talk about a whole lot. So I'm going to let you share a bit about your story and then we're we're going to talk about it. But in advance, I want to say thank you for being willing to be so vulnerable and honest with everyone.

Kelli Bauer:

Absolutely. Like she said, my name's Kelly. Um, my addiction is kleptomania, basically shoplifting addiction, which a lot of people had never even heard of kleptomania. And I think the reason why nobody knows about it is because who's going to talk about it? It is pretty rare to begin with. It is not a real, you know, high percentage, um, but it does exist. A lot of times you'll hear people say I'm a klepto, or they shoplift, but very few people have kleptomania. And really klepdomania is taking items that you have no use for and you probably aren't going to use, just for the mere, you know, whatever, reason for taking them. Um, and it's just a behavior that no different than any other addiction that you repeat and repeat and repeat, even though you know the consequences are huge until it destroys your life, which is where I'm at. Um, I started when I was 12. I'm 55, so pretty much been doing it my whole life. And uh, as we talk more, you'll figure it out. But it has blown up my life, um, blown up my family's life. And uh it's a pretty sad story. But the reason why I like to talk about it a little bit is I want people to know about it. There's a lot of judgment, a lot of whispers behind people's back. Um, alcoholism, drug addiction is you know, understood a little bit more. Most people don't understand this, and because it's illegal, people just kind of think I'm a thief, and morally there's something wrong with me. I'm a bad person.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Which sounds like I am confident that you are not a bad person. I'll start there. Uh when did you first decide to start sharing your story? I know that when I and and people who listen to the show know that I am in recovery, so alcohol has been my struggle. I am closing in on seven years, but I legitimately walked out of treatment. The day I walked out of treatment, and there was a gentleman who in the area where I had been living who looked at me and said, Oh, I haven't seen you in a while. And I said, That's because I've been in rehab. And that was my instant, I'm going to practice saying this out loud because I want people to know that it isn't something to be afraid of. Because up to that point, I had been afraid I was going to walk around with this big scarlet A on my chest. When did you decide this was something you needed to start talking about? Clearly, not when you were.

Kelli Bauer:

Well, mine's interesting. I would have never talked about it. Um, it got blown up all over the news, which I'll kind of go through. But so I was shoplifting in high school, and it was not, not that I'm making an excuse, but a lot of kids did it. It wasn't that big of a deal. It was just, you know, being a teenager. So shoplifted. I think I got caught. My dad paid off the fine. It wasn't that big a deal. Um, I still continued to shoplift in college, which was a little bit more of a bigger deal, but I, straight a student, had big anxiety, so I would use it as an excuse that I almost got to be. And that was my, you know, way to re relieve my anxiety. So I was caught again. Again, made excuses. It was more two things that happened.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

You were caught again in college. You were caught again in college. Okay.

Kelli Bauer:

Um, but again, it was um in a different town, different county, nothing was connected. So it was kind of just a slap on the wrist. It's a misdemeanor crime, under a hundred dollars. So it just I moved on. Um, it was when I I became a stockbroker after I graduated, and I'd been with the firm, I don't know, over 10 years and had been extremely successful. And I probably not that I should talk about money, but I'm gonna, I was probably making a quarter of a million dollars and I was shoplifting almost every day, and I stole $77 from them all. I was caught, I was arrested, um, and it is a misdemeanor theft. However, if you are a financial advisor, uh, you have SEC regulations and you cannot have theft on your record. So I lost my misdemeanor. Even as a misdemeanor. Um, and and that's again, that's kind of why I also like to talk about it is you can have a gun possession, you can be caught with drugs, you can be caught with a DUI, and you can still have a career as a stockbroker. You have the word theft on your record, even though I would have never taken anything from work or anything like that, automatically lost my life.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Kelly, this has been a lifetime challenge for you. So something that started when you were 12, but has had a substantial effect on your life. Walk me through a little bit of that process, if you would. So you're shoplifting a bit when you're young kind of feels like something everyone else is doing.

Kelli Bauer:

Correct. So it started, like I said, when I was 12. I don't remember. A lot of times you'll go to therapy and they'll say, What was the first item you took? I don't, I don't remember any of that. I do remember that when I shoplifted, it made me feel good. So I continued. So did it in high school, didn't think too much about it, uh, continued to do it in college, again, didn't think too much about it. I was pretty, I was a great student and would get stressed. And so that was a way to relieve it. Um, it was more after college that the, you know, red lights started going off. This isn't normal. So I was a stockbroker, had been in the industry for a little over 10 years, um, and I was shoplifting every single day and got caught at the mall. Um, I, like I said, I was probably making a quarter of a million dollars and I went to the mall. Can't tell you what I stole, but it was $77. I was arrested. And even though it was a misdemeanor, you cannot have the word theft on your record if you're a financial advisor. It's just part of the SEC rules. So um, my boss was very understanding. Obviously, people were shocked, uh, you know, but they're like, we'll get you through it. And they couldn't. There was just no ifs, ands, or buts. I lost my career and I was devastated. It literally, I still have grief over losing my career. I don't think I got out of bed for about a month. It just, it broke my heart. I absolutely loved what I was doing. I was really good at it, and I couldn't believe that I had thrown it all away to steal something that was worth nothing that I was never going to use. How long ago was this? Um, that was in 2009. Okay. Now I really haven't had a career since then. Pardon? Um I'm sorry, go ahead. I was gonna say, and I really haven't had a career since then. Um, and I'll kind of explain that too, but you know, that was my identity. That's what I did. So finding another job, um, again, financial advising was out. Um, it it just it changed my life completely.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

So we're talking about this is about 16 years ago, right? Um, how how regularly had you been stealing throughout that 10-year period while you were a successful stockbroker?

Kelli Bauer:

I hate to admit it, I'm embarrassed, but I'll bet I was stealing every day. If I wasn't stealing every day, I was stealing three and four times a week. Um, I remember um, you know, I probably almost every lunch hour on the way home, I would steal stuff. And we'll kind of talk about it later, but I mean, dumb stuff. It could be a pack of gum at the gas station, it could be a pair of socks. Uh, it did not matter what I took. I had to take something to make myself feel better. But it was almost a daily occurrence.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

And this is an important piece that I I want people to hear because what you're describing, the emotions around it, the compulsion, the the impulse control, the I need to do this, I the I'm I'm compelled to do this to feel better, the I didn't get an A, so therefore I handled my stress this way. These are all addict behaviors. And uh, what is so brave about your story is uh you're taking uh the mystery away from something that, you know, a phrase that people just say, like, oh, I'm a klepto, as though this is some little thing that people do as a joke. And uh it's not, it's the same way people say, Oh, I'm I'm a crack addict. Oh my gosh, that's like it that tastes like crack, or you know, they they make these these off the cuff phrases not recognizing that these are real problems that real people struggle with, and the compulsions are real.

Kelli Bauer:

Yeah, and they are, I mean, intense. And, you know, one thing that that obviously does bother me is, and and I have friends, I have a very supportive, you know, network, but people will say to me, you know, you gotta quit being so stupid. You're gonna get caught again, quit being so stupid, or why are you doing this? And that's the part if you're not in addiction that's hard to understand. I've said two things recently, but I heard somebody speak and she said, it is like drinking bleach, and you think that bleach is gonna make you feel better. And I said, Not only is that bleach gonna make me feel better, I feel like I have to drink that bleach to survive. I mean, I literally feel like if I don't take that item, it doesn't matter what it is, I'm gonna die. That compulsion is huge. And I think a lot of people, unfortunately, a lot of times will think it's an excuse. But the other example I would give would be for people that cut on themselves. Um, you know, nobody would do that by choice. It's it's providing them a relief. Um, they're not being stupid, they're not uneducated. It is what they know to provide comfort, and that's what it is for me is it's huge anxiety. And then I take something and it makes me feel better. Unfortunately, that cycle has changed, and now I have to keep stealing more and more, and so it's it's gotten really out of control.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Uh no one says to themselves, you know what, I'd really love a seventh DUI. Right? Right. And yet it happens, and people lose their families. And the the real life consequences you're talking about for this particular addiction are real. How aware was your family of this struggle you were having at the time that the walls came down on this?

Kelli Bauer:

Both my mom, my I have a pretty small family, mom and dad and sister, and they were all aware that I'd been caught in high school. That was it. They didn't know anything else. They knew I was an extremely successful uh stockbroker, um, you know, lived in a big house, having a great life. My husband did not know. And we'll talk about that a little later. But there's a lot of people that are because my my story blew up and a bigger thing happened. Um, and he had no idea. Um, you know, there's things that I'll manipulate. So this sounds stupid, but let's say you're at a McDonald's, I'll take too many packets of ketchup or I'll get a free refill. So stuff like that. And that used to bother my husband a little bit, but he literally had no idea. I did not tell my family or any of my friends that I lost my job for two more years. So they did not know that.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Your family can talk about your husband, didn't know, your kids didn't know that you know my husband, my husband knew that I'd lost my job.

Kelli Bauer:

I had to obviously tell him. Did he know why? Um he did. And here's the deal my husband was a successful uh engineer, structural engineer for the first 10, 12 years of his life, but my business blew up. It was exploding. Um, and we had we had little kids, and my husband worked a ton, and I needed a partner. So I recruited him to come to my firm. And I was gonna be the marketing person. He's brilliant. He was gonna be the manager of the money. I recruited him to come over in July. He wasn't even officially licensed, and I lost my job in September. So, if people understand kind of how it works, if you have a book of business, I had worked my entire life for this book of business and it pays me a certain amount. I probably had a hundred and some clients. Though I those were just gonna go away because he wasn't even registered. So I had to go to another broker in the office and basically say, I've been busted for shoplifting, I've lost my license, my husband isn't registered yet. Can you manage these clients for the next six months until he gets registered? Then can you share these clients for a year till he gets on you know his feet and then goes from there? And my clients didn't know. We um I wasn't honest with them. They know now, they didn't know then. I basically said I was gonna take time off to be with my kids and that my husband was gonna start managing my clients.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Okay.

Kelli Bauer:

And he was ready to divorce me at that point. I mean, he wanted nothing to do with me, but he stayed because we had kids that were, you know, five years old.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Okay. So what happens next? You said you didn't have a bed for about two months. Um, really strong pieces together.

Kelli Bauer:

Yep. And I think I was caught another time. And in Johnson County, I kind of live in a bubble. Um, again, not making excuses, but depending on where you're at, um, I'm on the border of Kansas City. So if you get um uh misdemeanor theft in Kansas City, you'll never go to jail. Nothing will ever happen. They're gonna tap you on the wrist, give you a ticket, you write your fine, and you'll move on. I'm in a county where nothing happens bad. It's a very high net worth county. So they love when stuff happens. So in Johnson County, after your third arrest, it's automatically a felony. So I was arrested for the fourth time at this point, um, and it became a felony, which means you're probably never gonna have a career of any kind. You can't work at McDonald's with a felony, you can't work at Taco Bell with a felony. I mean, I went through it all. Was it not a felony after your third? Well, it's you can have three that are misdemeanors, and then it hits a felony. So I was arrested again. So again, just you know, doing the mom thing, keeping my mouth stuck, you know, mouth shut, our life still looked pretty good. Here's what happened. And when I tell you my life blew up, my life blew up. So besides the addiction of shoplifting, I have a little bit of a hoarding issue. Um, you'd never know it. It's not like you come in my house and I have whatever, but I just I don't throw away anything. So I had, you know, shoes from high school. I had my kids' baby clothes. I don't throw away anything. So I had gone and said, I'm gonna take care of myself. I lost about 20 pounds and I said, I am gonna get rid of all of these clothes that don't fit. I'm gonna have a sale. So I listed it on, I don't even know what it was, Facebook Marketplace or whatever it was at that time, and said, you know, high-end designer clothes. And by the way, these were not stolen because I don't use anything that I've stolen, and that's part of that piece with Kleptimania. Okay. So I invited people into my house and said, you know, you can buy all this stuff. Um, people came in my house. Um, and I don't know if this is normally the case, but I guess it's normally the case that a lot of times undercover cops will come to people's houses that are having big sales to see if they find stolen merchandise.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Okay. How long ago? How long ago was this?

Kelli Bauer:

This was 2017. Okay. And again, at this point, nobody knew anything. My mom didn't know I'd lost my job. It was a secret except for with my husband.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Okay.

Kelli Bauer:

So this was in 2017. Um, sold a bunch of stuff, tons of people in my house. Again, didn't think anything about it. Um, it started with a lady asked me, Do you have a Louis Vuitton person? I said, I actually have a fake one, but I'd sell it because it's fake. That's all I said. Because she said, Great, I'll buy it. Bought it, 50 bucks, whatever. So about a week later, I continued to shoplift. Um, I I don't know, what I checked. I went to a sporting goods store. This tells you Kleptomania. I stole a softball. Never played softball in my life, and neither do I have girls or nothing. So I stole a softball. I drive home that day, and about 10 police cars rush me. They literally slammed me against the garage door, um, handcuffed me, ask me, do you know what's going on? And I have no idea. I'm like, there is no way this can be because of this. No, no way. And so I literally, I have, I, I really am dumbfounded. I have no idea. So I go to jail that night. Um, and I'm obviously petrified at this point. I had not been to jail. And um Kelly, can I stop you for one second?

Danielle Elliott Smith:

I'm just trying to wrap my brain around the timeline. So this is this is nine years after you've lost your job as a stockbroker. But have you had your have you has your fourth arrest been the felony yet?

Kelli Bauer:

Yes, yes. I'm I've I've got a felony. You have a felony at this point. Okay, I forgive me. So I have a felony. And again, you know, once you hit that felony, it it doesn't really matter. It can be a pack of gum, it could have been a you know, ten thousand dollar ring diamond ring. Doesn't matter. Okay. Anyway, so they rush me. Um, and I go to jail that night, which is obviously scary as heck. Obviously, I've never been in jail before. And um, my attorney um called or comes in and he goes, Well, you're being charged with a hundred thousand dollars in theft. And I said, Do you mean a thousand? Because the way misdemeanors worked then or whatever, I think it was a thousand dollars or less. Okay. He goes, No, a hundred thousand. And I'm like, What did you say? And he said, a hundred thousand. I go, what are you talking about? And he said, they think you are running a theft train. They said that you're in your house, you're running a shop out of your house, and that you have all of this stolen merchandise and you're and you're selling it. And I'm like, Scott, that's not true. And and and my husband knew this, I mean, this this was not true at all. Okay. We had an online, I had an online Company that I had bought. It was just an e-car e-commerce company. It was called My Retro Baby, and we mainly sell sold personalized jewelry.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Right.

Kelli Bauer:

I bought it from some else existing. So they assumed that when I had this sale, I was basically stealing merchandise and selling it. Um, whether it was off my website or having people come in. When they caught me stealing, that was enough for them to say, okay, she's stealing, and they arrested me. They took every single item out of our house. Uh, we had news crews with the big whatever satellite dishes, great media.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Basically, live, they were doing live shots from outside your house.

Kelli Bauer:

I mean, our neighbors are shocked. My husband's shocked. We can't get inside, they won't let us get our dogs out. My kids had uh baseball, they wouldn't let us get our uniforms. I mean, it was horrible. And they took our Jeep, much is what I was driving on. And my husband said, So why do they have the Jeep? And they said, Because she used that vehicle to commit the crime. So, long story short, they charged me with $100,000 in theft. They truly believed that, and they took stuff out. Um, they went through all of our bank records, they went through our business records, they went through everything and of course found nothing because I had never done a theft ring. I did sell clothing, but it was not stolen. They just assumed that everything in my house was stolen. And I was just a, I don't want to call it pathetic, but a pathetic little petty shoplifter. But they they did they did not believe me. I'm still not sure they believed me. And because of that happened, there's still people in the community that will say, oh, she's the one that was, you know, running the business out of her home. So fast forward, um, I fight and fight and fight. You know, they're wanting me to do two years, three years, all that. And I'm like, I'm I'm not doing that. I'll go to trial. So finally, this is almost 18 months later. We don't have a Jeep, I don't have any of my clothes, I don't have earrings, I don't have jewelry. Um my kids is a background. They have nothing. They took it all. Um, and so finally, after two years, uh, I think my either my attorney suggested it or they did, and they said, we'll give her 90 days. And I said, fine, I'll take it. I just need my stuff, I'll take it. So what they told me I was signing is theft under 25,000. And I had no problem signing that because if I've been stealing since I was 12 and I'm 50 some, trust me. I mean, I hate to admit that, but have I stolen $25,000 worth of stuff? Absolutely.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Okay.

Kelli Bauer:

So when I signed it, they didn't tell me that. They actually put on it $25,000 to $100, which really bothered me because I wasn't admitting to that. I did that. Um, people don't understand jail time, but there's something called a backup time. So I pled guilty. I got 90 days in jail, but my backup time basically said, but you're on probation for a year, and if you get in trouble, you're gonna do your backup time, which is a year. So this is the best example of addiction and how you do not think logically. So I had done my 90 days, I thought I was through everything. I had gotten out in March, and in November, I went to a store and stole a sports bra. And within about an hour, the police were at my door, they issued a warrant, and I went to prison for the next nine months. So, you know, and again, a $30, $30 sports bra. And that is where people don't get addiction. There is no, I mean, I live in a beautiful home, I have beautiful children, I have great friends, I have a great husband, and I was willing, because it didn't even cross my mind that I might go to jail. I I had to take something. So I took that item and had to do my backup. It was really nine months in jail because I'd already served the three. Um, but my kids were in fifth grade and I missed uh Christmas, I missed their birthday, I missed Thanksgiving. Um, I was gone for nine months.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

So, Kelly, you are in the midst of this what feels like chaos. The police, the authorities have all of your stuff. It's dragging on for months. And they come to you with your attorney with what feels like a deal. What does that look like?

Kelli Bauer:

Um, and by the way, we had to fight for this deal. They literally, they again, they they thought they were gonna give me two or three years, which there was no way I would have ever pled guilty to that because I didn't do it. So they came to me with 90 days, plead guilty to stealing under 25,000, and I said, fine, I'll take it. I can do 90 days in jail. I just want to be done. We're looking at almost two years previous. So I agreed to that. I did that January, February, and March. And then I was gonna be on probation um for 12 months, and I just couldn't get in trouble during probation. That was the deal. Because if you get in trouble during probation, then what? Okay, so a lot of people don't understand how jail works, but you have what's a called backup time. So literally, my sentence, they basically agreed to give me. They said, we'll give you a year in jail, but you only have to serve three months. But if you screw up, you're gonna have to do the rest of those 12 months. So that was my agreement. And I was very confident and I said, I'm not gonna screw up. I'm there's no way. I I know this, I'm scared to death. So I do my three months, I get out in March and in November, I go and get a $25 sports bra. I steal it. Uh within an hour, the police are at my house because keep in mind, I've been all over the news. Um, and I this isn't that big of a town. Every police officer knows me. So when I go into a store, they know me. So within an hour, they had picked me up and I automatically went back to jail and I automatically did my backup time. So I uh remember it vividly. I picked up my kids from school. It was mid-November, and I, you know, said, I'm sorry, and I love you, and uh went into jail and was there for the next nine months. So um missed Christmas, missed their birthday. It was their fifth grade year. Um, and I did all of that because I couldn't resist shoplifting a, you know, an item that I would probably never ever gonna use because the addiction just it gets a hold of you, and I was not thinking logically.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

And this is very close to the age my kids were when I went to treatment. My kids were sixth and eighth grade, and I missed my daughter's birthday. And when I left, she wouldn't say goodbye to me. And it's interesting because the the day that I decided to go to treatment, there was a text between my kids that said, too bad mom loves wine more than she loves us, right? And that is a sort of universal feeling for people who do not understand the compulsion and the sickness that is addiction because you did not choose to steal over spending time with your kids.

Kelli Bauer:

I was not choosing and I would never yeah, I was gonna say, I I mean, if if people know me, I love my kids, I probably love them too much. I love them more than anything. I'm very involved, mom.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

And I and I could not right and I could not very close to your kids' age now, right? So my kids are in college now, and my kids now know that the mom loves wine more than us was not true then. It's not true now, but that I was sick, right? But they had to grow up and they had to understand, and I don't mean grow up like they needed to mature, they to get older to mature and to to really understand what addiction looks like. Quite honestly, I needed to understand what addiction really looks like, and the people who love me took time to research and understand and and figure out what it looks like because quite honestly, Kelly, the person who's struggling is the one who wants it to stop the most. You absolutely are the one who wants to stop stealing more than anyone who knows you and loves you. They want it for you. Yeah, but the people who are looking at you and saying, Okay, well, just stop stealing, are the same people who are looking at me and saying, Okay, well, just don't drink as much. Just have one glass, just have two glasses, and then stop.

Kelli Bauer:

You know, if if if I if I did know somebody that had seven or eight DUIs, this would have been 10 years ago, I would have said, Oh my gosh, you know, what a selfish person, what an idiot. And then here I am, I gave up a year with my kids because I couldn't resist shoplifting. I will say, which we'll talk about it too, I don't know how I got so lucky with my kids. Um, but my kids, trust me, they were embarrassed and they were mortified, but never once did they were they mad at me, or they at least didn't share it. They talked to me every day on the phone. They would say how much they loved me, how proud they were of me, and they still say it because I still struggle. I have way more arrests than then. Um, but but it's a battle. And it was more people on the outside. The only thing that was good that came from that arrest is when I was first arrested and all the news crews showed up, most people that didn't know me thought I was running a theft ring, and I had this big, beautiful house that was paid for from stolen merchandise, and none of that was true. Okay. So people think with shoplifting, it's about money and it actually has nothing to do with money, just like alcoholism usually has nothing to do with the alcohol. And so when I got caught a second time and had to go back to jail, I think people then finally said, wait a minute, gosh, maybe there's something wrong. Why would she do that? Right.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Because clearly there's a little wrong. Right. Clearly, she needs help in some capacity. Right. And we'll talk about it. Go ahead. At that point, did you start to get additional help? At what point did you seek help that is in the addiction and mental health realm?

Kelli Bauer:

Well, I've been in therapy since college. Um, so always was open to therapy. I actually have a master's in clinical social work, which is even funnier because obviously it didn't work for me. But um I when I was a stockbroker and I got arrested and lost my job, I got I had been in active therapy since then and I started on meds. Um, and meds did help some. Um, but I did the medication, psychiatrist, and therapy consistently since 2009. Um, and I'm when I tell you I've tried it all, which we'll talk about. I've done EMDR, which is an eye therapy, I've done um, you know, cognitive therapy, I've done 12-step, I've done smart recovery, I've been on every med there is. I've done it all. So, and have been really actively trying to quit. Um, and the longest time I have is nine months when I was in jail. So that's the longest period I have of not shoplifting. Do you mind if I ask you where you are now? Long story, but no, I'm actually, believe it or not, in trouble again. Um, so just kind of fast forward. Um, you know, that was probably 2019. And again, if if you're an addict, what you're gonna say is, I will never do this again. I'm done. You know, it's Monday, I'm done, you'll never see me. And by that day, I've I've taken something again. So I don't even know, but I have over 10, probably have over 10 felonies now. Um, and so since that time, I've probably been arrested three or four times. In August, um, I was arrested again. Um, and I don't really want to go into too many details because believe it or not, the case is still going on, but the store had been watching me. So every time I came in there, they didn't arrest me, they just kept track of it. So when I was arrested the end of August, I have seven felony charges I got hit with that day. So um I'm looking at some probably pretty serious jail time again. And um I'm I'm in the cycle. Um, so you know, I I I've never really been out of the cycle. I do have an attorney that believes me, and I have a therapist that believes me. And I think my husband has a pretty good understanding of addiction. No one would choose this life. So they know I'm not doing it to be selfish. I would never choose this life, but I'm in a lot of trouble again. So that's where I stand. Haven't shoplifted since August 30th. Okay. Um, but we'll, there's definitely consequences coming, coming up the road. And, you know, one thing, if we ever do another call again, I would like to talk about. Unfortunately, jail does not help an addict. It just, it just doesn't. Um, it's punishment, it's shame we already have. And so, you know, they can put me in jail. They've done it before two or three times, and uh it it's not what stops you. You got to continue with the therapy, with the medication, and and all those things. So that's where I stand right now.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

This is an important question. What does help you? Of all the things you've tried, is there anything that does help?

Kelli Bauer:

Yes. So a couple things. I am on neltraxone, which a lot of people might be on if they have an alcohol addiction. It is for alcohol and it helps. The problem is it helped significantly when I took it. But I think, if I'm not mistaken, it's more for short-term, like people that for 90 days. I've been on it two years, so it's not um it doesn't have as good a hole. Yeah. And then the other thing that I do religiously, um, Jamie, who's a friend of mine, is the one that said she goes, you need to pretty much serve every day or go to a meeting. So that is what I do. I am either at a meeting or I work at a wonderful place. It's called the Bishop Solomon Center in uh downtown Kansas City, and I serve um the unhoused people lunch every day. And I love it from 11 to 2, and it makes me feel really good. And when I serve um and do the right thing, I don't I don't have a desire to shoplift. And then lastly, which we talked about a little bit before the call, is I just recently started on a weight loss medication. Um, not to lose weight. We're gonna try it for addiction. The the studies have been extremely promising. It's not FDA approved, but there are lots of people that needed to lose weight, but were also alcoholics, and it has really um subsided their cravings. Okay. And so far, I can tell it. I mean, I'm very hopeful. Um, I'm very optimistic. I can't imagine not having cravings. I have never in my adult life not had a craving. So to have that would be, I can't even fathom it. But right now, the noise in my brain is is less than it's ever been, probably in 30 years.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

That's remarkable. Kelly, how do you define hope?

Kelli Bauer:

I guess probably just not giving up. Um, I won't give up. Um, you know, you can knock me down a hundred times and I'm getting back up. I I do I do believe there, I do, I believe in hope. I don't know how to necessarily define it, but I always believe that there is a chance and to never give up. Look at right now. I have been struggling so bad, you know, really bad the last five years has been really a vicious. And now this medication's come out and it seems to be working. So that's why you you never want to you never want to give up. And I also want to be a role model for my kids. I want to be a role model for other addicts. Um you gotta keep trying. And and you know, they they talk about the ones that are in recovery, but unfortunately, I don't know what percentage it is, but it's not a huge percentage. A lot of people go back and they and they relapse. And so I don't want people to think that you're a piece of crap because you keep relapsing. I actually try to rephrase it. I actually think I'm a pretty good person to not give up. Because a lot of people would have just said, forget it. You know, I'm gonna move out of the neighborhood, I'm gonna go crawl in a hole, and uh I just I keep showing up and I I tell my story and I try not to be embarrassed.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Kelly, what I find remarkable many things, but specifically in asking you how you define hope, in my head, you defined it exactly how I would define it in the context of this conversation, in the context of your life, in the context of who you are. There is not one ounce of you that has said, God, just never gonna get this. Every time, every day, you have said to yourself, I'm I'm going to keep fighting. And I think that is beautiful and brave and vulnerable. And the fact that you're willing to talk about something that so few people talk about. Addiction is a struggle for people to talk about to begin with, right? And you're right that when it comes down to it, we typically talk about alcohol and drugs, and then we talk sometimes about shopping or about weight, but very infrequently do we talk about kleptomania. And I did some research before you and I started to talk, and it affects 0.3, 0.03 to 0.06% of the population, and more often than not, it's women rather than men, right? And all of the what helps are all of the things that you're trying, right? The the only other thing that I saw that was as a potential is when you shop, you never shop alone, right? Yep.

Kelli Bauer:

And is that and I do I do that, yeah. And I also, and this tells you, first of all, I have wonderful, wonderful kids, but my it makes me cry thinking about it. Um but my son, this was probably two or three years ago, gave me a it's right here, it's a phone case, it has all my credit cards and stuff in it so that I don't have a purse. So this is what my son gave me so that I wouldn't take a purse into the store. And that is how much my kids love me. Um, it makes me sad that they have to think about that, but they want their mom around. And so I think they thought, wow, this is a great gift. But yes, shopping with somebody helps in general. I shouldn't shop at all. And I know that. That kind of goes back to being an alcoholic. You know, you shouldn't go to the bar, you know you shouldn't get in the car. I know to not go to the store, but sometimes I just can't resist it. Um, I do know that not only can I not shop by myself, I can't even have you go to the other aisle. Like, so if I do need to go to the store, I literally tell my husband, you just stay right by me. Don't you run and go get Cheerios and I'll stay in this aisle. You need to stay right by me. Um, it triggers me just going into the store. Um, and luckily, uh online shopping helps and you can have groceries delivered and stuff, but it's pretty hard to live to say I'm never gonna go into a store again. Uh, just like with anorexia, it's pretty hard to manage that because it's not like you're not gonna again. Right. Yeah. These are but I know those.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

And go ahead. They're basic they're basic life things. These are things that we do. And I felt in to a lesser degree when I came out of treatment, all I could see was every advertisement for alcohol. Every I mean, I knew that I was never gonna walk into, you know, people who are struggling with many drug addictions aren't gonna walk into a restaurant and have someone try to hand them a glass of of drugs on New Year's. But I'm walking into a restaurant and they're like, Congratulations. And they hand me, try to hand me a glass of champagne walking into a restaurant for New Year's Eve. Or no one's handing you a menu. Right. But these are this is part of life.

Kelli Bauer:

And I do wish and I will because I will say really quick, one thing I'd like to add is that, you know, you can't, you can't drive down a street without seeing a store. I mean, you cannot. So those triggers, I am seeing, you know, and someone will say, let's say they go to a favorite bar and they'll say, I take a different route, or I'm going to, I really can't take a different route. It does not matter where I live, any route you take, I'm going to pass a store. And so it is, it is nearly impossible to get rid of, which you kind of talk about that hope. I just have to say, but I'm not giving up. I can do it. I'm going to do it today. You know, you talk about one day at a time, and that's what I do is I'm not going to steal today. And that's all I worry about. And sometimes I'm successful and sometimes I'm not, but I I will never give up. I will tell you that. I am proud to know you.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

And I, Jamie, who you mentioned, who is who introduced us so that we could have this conversation, her suggesting to you that you serve, one of the things that I found that was helpful for me was anytime I did experience any type of a I really want to drink, I would pick up my phone and I would reach out to check on someone else. I found that worrying about other people and making sure other people were doing okay and helping others is what has continued to keep me afloat. Uh, that's been a huge part of my recovery even to this day. If I find myself thinking, really like a drink right now, which happens quite infrequently, fortunately, not never, but far less than it used to, I I recognize that I have to do something. And the other pieces that the second I start to say, I'm good, like I don't, I don't ever think about it anymore, I recognize that's when I have to double down. Absolutely when I have to do something to benefit my recovery.

Kelli Bauer:

Absolutely. And you know, I I you know sometimes I'm lazy and sometimes I'm, you know, feel sorry for myself and I have a pity party. Like, why do I have to deal with this? But one of my best friends has MS. Trust me, if she don't want to deal with it. You know, there's people that have lost their their children. There are people that have cancer. Everybody has something. Um, this just this sucks for me. Um, and it's very embarrassing. I think that's the biggest thing is my husband has said to me, not to be mean, but he used to say, gosh, I wish you were an alcoholic, because at least people could understand it. It is about as shameful as you can get. And when I run into somebody, very rarely, unless they know me, the whispers are she's the lady that gets caught shoplifting or she's so-and-so's mom. Um, and most people don't understand it, and they just think I'm an unethical person that has no morals, which is literally furthest from the truth. I I know right from wrong. I have a heart of gold. I would do anything for anyone. But if you put me in a store by myself, there's a pretty high chance I'm gonna stick something in my pocket.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Well, my hope is that from now on you can refer them to this conversation because I hope that we can help to enlighten people a little bit. And you can also let your husband know uh that there are many, many, many people in the world who think the very same about alcoholics as your husband fears that that people think about you. Um there were there was quite a long time that there were people who unfriended me on Facebook. Um family who unfriended me on Facebook when I went to treatment. Uh and for a while. And and that's one of the reasons I'm incredibly vocal about it because there are people who are sitting at home thinking they are alone. I'm gonna stop us because of that.

Kelli Bauer:

I will tell you that in my um so first of all, like I'm not normally even um welcomed at like an AA meeting um because I don't have an alcohol addiction. But I had I had found a recovery group through my church that has really helped me. And it's all addictions. So it can be porn, um, eating disorders, mine's kleptomania. And when I've told my story every time, I've I very rarely do not have someone come up to me and say, Thank you for sharing that. I had no idea. And then I've had a lot of people that have come up to me and say, I've never told anyone this, but I shoplift too. Now, they may not have kleptomania. It might be part of their addiction. So a lot of people that are addicts will, you know, steal things or do things to kind of keep up with their addiction. But just saying that out loud, you know, they say that uh secrets keep you sick. I 100% believe that. Just saying that out loud, I think admitting to someone else that I do this too is very freeing for them. Um, and and I get referred from our pastor there. And and he'll, you know, someone will call me and they'll say, I talked to Pastor Tom and he said you struggle with this, and I do too. Would you be willing to talk to me? And I always am, and 100% will, but I'm also very honest with them that I still struggle every day. I definitely don't have an answer. But if it helps to talk about it, I'm absolutely here for you.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

I think that community and hearing your story come out of someone else's mouth is part of what helps. What would you say to someone who is potentially listening and thinking, gosh, I've been struggling silently by myself? Or someone who has a family member who is listening and they think, gosh, I I know, I know people who struggle and they feel alone. What would you say to them?

Kelli Bauer:

I think the main thing is number one, they are not alone. It may be hard to believe, but they are a hundred percent not alone. And to reach out to somebody, you know, I had to obviously be very creative on trying to find supports, even just trying to find meetings. But you can Google now. I mean, there's uh I think it's Casa, Kleptomania, and Shoplifters Anonymous. So there are organizations and they do a Thursday night call, and so they exist. There's a a gentleman named Terry Shulman that uh very similar to me, uh, has a law degree and had a terrible, you know, shoplifting addiction, and he now runs a therapy group. So they do exist, but you have to work a little bit harder. And I think that the more people that speak up, whether it is, you know, cutting or whatever it is, the more people that speak up, the easier it is.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Well, Kelly, I am incredibly grateful to you for spending this time with me. If someone wanted to get in touch with you, what would be the best way to do that?

Kelli Bauer:

Um, well, a couple things. I'm gonna give you my cell just so anybody can text me at any time. So my cell is 913-707-8425, 913-707-8425. I will talk to anybody. Um, I'm on Facebook, uh Kelly Luft Bauer, which is my maiden name. And then I just started a TikTok and an Instagram account that said it's it's two lives with Kelly, and for the very first time in my life, I posted my story. So if you go to that, I just did it last week, and it's it's a pinned story of me and telling you about my shoplifting addiction. So if somebody wants to reach out that way, they can. And and I would love to help anyone that I can. Obviously, I'm I'm far from perfect, but I at least am to the point that I'm comfortable in my life um admitting it, which I think is huge.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

I'm proud to know you. I am grateful to you for taking this time with me and having the courage to share a story that so many people um have kept. You know, there are people that are that are keeping, like you said, our our secrets keep us sick, right? So it takes a lot to have shared everything you have, especially considering so much of what happened to you blew up and it wasn't true. And I'm grateful that we've been able to give you this platform to set your story straight and own the pieces that are true and dispel the pieces that are not. It has been a gift to talk to you.

Kelli Bauer:

Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure, and hopefully, people kind of learned a few things. And if anyone ever has questions or wants more information, I um have them reach out because I'd I'd love to help anyone I can.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

You are wonderful. Thank you, Kelly, so much for being here. And and I will be keeping all of my fingers and toes crossed that everything that you have moving forward works out well, as well as it possibly can. And I certainly hope you will keep us updated.

Kelli Bauer:

Absolutely. Thank you so much. It was a pleasure.

Danielle Elliott Smith:

Likewise. And friends, thank you for being here with us. I am always so grateful that you take time. And I do hope that Kelly's story has inspired you, if in no other capacity, to remember that you can keep going through hard things as Kelly has continued to do. Please turn around and share this story, this episode, with people that you know and love. And until we see you again, take very good care of you. Naturally, it's important to thank the people who support and sponsor the podcast. This episode is supported by Chris Dulley, a trusted criminal defense attorney and friend of mine here in St. Louis, who believes in second chances and solid representation. Whether you're facing a DWI, felony, or traffic issue, Chris handles your case personally with clarity, compassion, and over 15 years of experience. When things feel uncertain, it helps to have someone steady in your corner. Call 314 384 4000 or 314 DUI Help, or you can visit Dulilawfirm.com to schedule your free consultation.